“Gender reaches into disability; disability wraps around class; class strains against abuse; abuse snarls into sexuality; sexuality folds on top of race … everything finally piling into a single human body. To write about any aspect of identity, any aspect of the body, means writing about this entire maze.”
This quote from Eli Clare really stuck out to me. I know we discussed it in class, but I wanted to think about it deeper and share some of my thoughts. This passage highlights the true way that identity functions. It is not a set of distinct categories we fit into, but a combination of these things and the ways they intersect and interact together that define who we are. We discussed in class how the verbs that Clare uses, “reaches; wraps; strains; folds” are important to understanding this passage. They suggest tension between these categories and how they are dependent on each other. It also suggests that there is some sort of movement, like we are always changing and growing, and the important aspects of our identity are moving and changing with us. Clare says, “To write about any aspect of identity, any aspect of the body, means writing about this entire maze” (143). This line suggests that we can’t rely on categories to neatly define ourselves like we would sometimes like to because identity is fluid, and we cannot talk about one category without talking about another.
When thinking about this during class I couldn’t help but think about family, specifically my brother and I. It’s interesting to me that siblings can grow up together in the same house with the same parents and be treated so differently. I think this is more significant when there are two siblings who are different genders. Being the oldest and the only girl, I think a lot of pressure is placed on me that I don’t see placed on my brother. The expectation that I will go to school, get a job, get married, have kids. Though that’s never spoken aloud, and I know my parents love me no matter what, I know they secretly hope for that heteronormative life for me. It’s hard to grow and change when I so what to be approved by my parents and meet their expectations for me. I think these ideals are not placed on my brother so much. It seems as if my parents aren’t as concerned about whether he ends up married with kids or not. Traditional gender roles are hard to escape from, especially when gender and family are so deeply rooted in identity. Clare writes in “The Mountain”, “The body as home, but only if it is understood that place and community and culture borrow deep into our bones” (11). I feel my childhood, my family, my hometown, my parent’s expectations deeply rooted in my identity and who I define myself as.
Clare has a talent for being so deeply relatable. Though I may not share the same experiences as him, I’m able to see myself in his words. His words remind me that identity is always evolving. Identity can be intertwined with any part of our lived experience, like my relationship to gender and societal/familial expectations. Clare’s relatability reveals that while our individual identities are unique, they cross the same broader systems that shape our lives. He challenges us to recognize this and embrace the complexity of who we are.
I love this! Almost everything you wrote I found myself thinking “Yes! Same!” It’s funny you talked about Clare’s relatability, because I found this post super relatable! I love the way you talk about identities being at odds with each other. I think it’s such a common experience for lesbians(and other queer women) to feel their sexualities and gender are at odds because so much of womanhood is tied up in the patriarchy. It made me think of the Lesbian Master Doc. and compulsory heterosexuality(if you know, you know). I also want to say thank you for talking about your experience with your parents. It made me think of when I first started coming out to my family and my dad’s immediate reaction was that he didn’t want life to be harder for me. Still, very different from your experience, but I think it also has a lot to do with how our parents imagine their kids lives to be. Thank you so much for sharing, great job!
Hi Littlemisssunshine I really like your post! I’ve had a similar experience with my family treating my brother differently compared to my sisters. It’s really upsetting sometimes because this meant that while my sisters and I cleaned and cooked during the day my brother would not be expected to participate and yet would be served food first as the oldest boy. Becuase he is a ma, he is given more power in the houshold. It was kind of messed up! I definetly agree with you those dynamics at home really impact us. This reminds me of Eli Clair’s mentioning about how he learned gender from his parents, “How did my mother’s willful
ignorance of the hurt he inflicted on me influence what I absorbed about femininity and masculinity?”.
Love your deep dive into this quote and your recount of personal experience, especially about your family! I sometimes feel like there are narratives of queer people sort of completely rejecting their hometown (thinking a bit about metronormativity specifically, if that hometown is rural) or their family and parents. Perhaps this is not that common and I just happened to have encountered such narratives, but I think it’s easy to pretend that your hometown or family are not part of your identity, or ignore it because it had hurt you or hurts you now. I feel like my identity is very intertwined with my family, my parents, my relationship with my brother, and my heritage and hometown. Of course, there are moments when rejection of that part of one’s identity is best — it’s all about balance and understanding who you are from all sides without giving one all of the control.
Great reflection on Clare’s writing! I agree completely with your insight about how categories like gender and disability cannot be completely understood within a person’s life unless you also consider other elements of their identity, which will always complicate more one-note narratives. Also, thank you for sharing your thoughts about how you and your brother have grown up in such similar circumstances, but are treated differently (by the world, but more specifically, by your parents) based on the genders you happen to have. What you wrote about feeling torn between authentic self-realization and adhering to what your parents would want for your life is super understandable, and that struggle’s definitely something that you’d be likely to carry with you for a while.