In Alejandro Heredia’s “You’re the Only Friend I Need,” queer teens Fabio and Noel struggle to reconcile with their burgeoning identities. At multiple points in the text, this struggle manifests in a battle between femininity and masculinity, especially in the character of Fabio. By shedding light on the misogyny of gay men, Heredia interrogates the appropriation of femininity in the queer community.
Initially, Fabio demonstrates a vehement aversion to femininity. When a group of girls makes fun of him for eating a mango, for instance, he declares that he “fucking hate[s] girls” (Heredia 34). In Fabio’s mind, a few bullies come to represent every girl around the world. He judges using overgeneralizations, one of the many tools of the oppressor. Fabio also asserts his masculinity using the oppressive tool of violence. He gets into “a fist fight with one of the popular girls at school” after she calls him a slur (36). Taken symbolically, Fabio seems to spar with his own femininity. He attempts to quell rumors by pummeling the feminine energy inside himself just as he pummels his bully. However, his battle further exposes his queerness, solidifying him as a “girl-fighting maricon” (36). Similarly, when he “flips [the mango girls] a middle finger,” he only incites more laughter (34). With each struggle against femininity, Fabio further implicates himself in sissyhood. His fight is futile. He cannot dismantle patriarchal oppression using the tools of the patriarchy.
Fabio’s innate femininity blatantly contradicts his misogyny. When he and Noel start to “refer to each other in feminine pronouns,” the change “feels good” for both of them (36). According to Noel, “Fabio is unapologetic about his femininity” and “will throw it in anyone’s face” (36). Fabio even gets mad at Noel when his drag makeover does not look feminine enough. “You look like a boy. That’s not the point,” he says (39). These remarks and assertions seem discordant with Fabio’s earlier hatred of women. How can a boy who despises girls be “unapologetic about his femininity?” Fabio fails to recognize the hypocrisy of his views. He appropriates femininity and feminine culture, yet he despises women. In turn, Fabio harbors a deep-seated hatred for a fundamental part of himself.
Though he fights against it, femininity fits Fabio like a glove. When he dresses in his aunt’s clothing, for instance, he looks “as if the blouse was made for his body exactly” (38). This is because it is. He is meant to embrace his feminine side, yet his misogyny prevents him from fully doing so. Even after Ren tells him to respect queer women’s gender identities, he refers to them using masculine pronouns. He refuses to immerse himself in femininity; he is not a girl, just something “adjacent” to one (40). Heredia suggests that Fabio can only achieve true happiness by placing himself in women’s shoes, both literally and figuratively. This is more than a radical form of empathy; it represents radical self-acceptance. Fabio can only settle into his identity when he discards the patriarchy’s rules. Queer self-acceptance hinges upon a new, more feminist way of being.
Through the character of Fabio, Heredia suggests that gay men cannot comfortably reconcile with their femininity without first confronting their misogyny. By extension, his story implies that the liberation of the queer community cannot be wrought without the liberation of women, too. This intersectional approach to activism acknowledges the multiplicity of our own identities. We contain “multitudes,” and we must strive to accept each part of ourselves, whether masculine, feminine, or something in between (38).
This is a great post—great title, too—and I’m so glad you dove into this topic. The line about hating girls startled me upon the first read, and you did a good job of examining that ideology which clashes with queer femininity. Heredia certainly makes a point about internalized bigotry and how Fabio is poised for a path of “radical self-acceptance.” Your point about Fabio attempting to dismantle patriarchal oppression using the patriarchy’s tools reminds me of Lorde’s “The Master’s Tools Will Never Dismantle the Master’s House.” Only when we celebrate others can we celebrate ourselves, and vice versa, and this is a relevant goal for broader social issues.
I love your analysis. I had the exact same thought in class that there is this dichotomy between how Fabio acts in the beginning versus how he acts in the end toward femininity. He hates girls but also embraces the feminine part of himself. I like how you bring up intersectionality as well within the context of this book. Additionally, you said “he cannot dismantle patriarchal oppression using the tools of the patriarchy” and that stuck with me. It’s such a good sentence and had me thinking that perhaps Fabio can use other tools (the opposite of patriarchy?). I’d say that by embracing his own femininity, he is going against the patriarchy without throwing the same punches. But at the same time, he dislikes Noel’s non-feminine look. So, not only does he struggle with embracing his femininity, he wants his friend to look feminine as well despite Noel’s refusal. I feel like this latter part could be further delved-into in an analysis. Is it because Fabio feels insecure about his own femininity, or is there another factor?
I love your analysis of this story! I’d like to connect this theme of misogyny intersecting with gay men by referencing a scene further in Loca which deals with Charo and Yadiel (who is Fabio’s character in Loca): Charo sees Yadiel putting on makeup and feminine clothing as he prepares to go out with Sal (Noel, but in Loca); Charo then criticizes his application of makeup, and suggests a better way. Yadiel consequently expresses anger towards her, declaring that she is imposing her feminity onto his, believing that she is the superior voice of what femininity can –must, should– be because she is cis-gendered. With this in mind, I think this scene can also apply to this theme of anger by feminine men towards cis women for being able to freely express their feminity, and for having a sort of implied control over feminine expression.
I adore this analysis! I think you speak to something really important and often ignored, which is misogyny in the gay man community. I love how both you and Heredia discuss how this misogyny slips even into the most feminine of queer men. It reminds me a lot about the discourse on if drag is misogynistic. If you don’t know an incredibly common term in drag is “Fish” or “Fishy” which has a horribly misogynistic history. But you also gave me a lot more sympathy for gay men who appear misogynistic, because they are also dealing with a form of internalized misogyny, being afraid of their own feminine sides. Great work!