As of writing this, in eight days my dance titled “My Friend Ana” will debut on Mathers stage for DTG’s Freshworks. My Friend Ana is a semi-autobiographical piece based on my experiences dealing with anorexia until entering treatment at age seventeen. This idea has been in my mind for over a year, and as these ideas were forming, I had never heard the term “Queer Time.” It wasn’t until this class I learned the term, but I’ve been experiencing queer time without knowing the name for years.
In class queer time was mentioned in the context of physical disability, which made me start to wonder if the same applies to mental illness. The more I thought the more I realized it does. For this blog post, I will be focusing specifically on eating disorders and mental illness is a very broad topic, and specifically anorexia nervosa, as that is what I have lived experience with.
One thing my mom always said to me was that I never had a childhood. I wrote a poem once about the last Halloween I went trick-or-treating and only pretending to take candy out of our neighbors bowls. I watched my mom start to cry and she said something about wishing I could just be a kid. This is one way anorexia caused me to experience queer time, by stealing my ability to have a true childhood. The theme of stolen childhood is that’s very present in my piece.
The second way I think My Friend Ana explores queer time is through the concept of ED treatment. I cite the beginning of my recovery to be when I left a partial hospitalization program in order to go back to high school. I think being in PHP was my greatest experience with queer time. My life was quite literally put on hold. The whole world moved on while I was stuck in a treatment center for eight hours a day, trying to get better. I think any type of rehab program is one of the only times where life is put on pause. It was the summer before my senior year of high school. I could barely work and wasn’t making money, all my friends were touring colleges, and my cheerleading teammates had pre-season. When I got home each day I was so exhausted and sick that I didn’t want to do anything else. I couldn’t be a functioning member of society, because my only job was to recover. I think this fits perfectly with the part of queer time that talks about not being a participating member of society.
Finally, the physical symptoms of EDs also contribute to queer time. As previously mentioned, when I was going through treatment, I was constantly sick. I was also constantly sick during the depths of my ED. I wasn’t very good or productive in school, partially because of my eating disorder. I slept more than anyone else I knew because my body was so exhausted. And I struggled maintaining a lot of relationships because I was practically sleepwalking for four years. Anorexia took away my ability to not exist within queer time, I was physically incapable of leading a “normal” life. Another crucial element of queer time is that of the nuclear family. One of the most common arguments I’ve heard about why queer couples shouldn’t get married is because they can’t reproduce. Typically the counter argument for this is that their are straight couples who also can’t reproduce. This applies because in its most severe cases anorexia can lead to infertility.
After a lot of thinking I believe most(if not all) eating disordered people experience some version of queer time. Both the disorder and the recovery from the disorder cause the afflicted person to lose a sense of “normal” time in some way. When I set out to choreograph My Friend Ana, I did not have this theme in mind. I think that’s because it came so naturally to the piece. Queer time was my version of normal for so long. There is a reason queer and trans people are more likely to have EDs than our straight and cis peers. Queer and trans people have been told for years that something about is wrong. Everyone develops EDs for different reasons, but this is a contributing factor for many queer eating disordered people. So it makes a lot of sense to me that this is one way someone can experience queer time.
Come see my piece!
https://www.onthestage.tickets/show/dickinson-college-theatre-and-dance-department/679a562de042530f58d15b9c/tickets#/productions-view
Hi,
I love seeing you connect Dance with Queer Time. I also thank you for your vulnerability in sharing your experiences with an eating disorder. The most interesting part you pulled out was the piece about anorexia leading to infertility issues. I think people often forget that temporary or permanent conditions can lead to infertility. This is because we’re so fixated on false notions of normativity that we forget when people fall outside of the “charm circle.” I also see points of Queer Joy in the fact that you were able to create a dance from a moment of tension in your life. Best of luck on your freshworks performance.