Why is it that the most unoriginal thing we can say to each other is still the thing we long to hear? ‘I love you’ is always a quotation. You did not say it first and neither did I, yet when you say it and when I say it we speak like savages who have found three words and worship them. (9)
I don’t like to think of myself as an insincere person but if I say I love you and I don’t mean it then what else am I? Will I cherish you, adore you, make way for you, make myself better for you, look at you and always see you, tell you the truth? And if love is not those things then what things? (11)
In both of these passages the unidentified narrator of Jeanette Winterson’s Written on the Body asks one of the most vital questions of mankind (and the singer Haddaway): ‘What is love?’. He or she wonders why hearing somebody say ‘I love you’ is such an important thing for us and if it shouldn’t be more important how we convey our own personal notion of love.
Even though, as the narrator points out, the words are unoriginal and have been said many times before, we long to hear them and make a big deal out of them, almost worshiping them. They give us a feeling of security, security that our significant other can’t possible leave us, as he/she said those magical three words. Words that many might only say because they feel pressured into it. Pressured by society, their partner, friends, parents, etc. And haven’t they most likely said I love you to somebody else before? Haven’t they had relationships before that didn’t work out even though they assured themselves they loved each other over and over again?
The narrator realizes that we need to be sure to only say ‘I love you’ when we truly mean it and when we can support these words with our actions. Only then there is a slight chance that it is actually love. Because we can’t possibly ever know what love truly means, can we? Who knows if there isn’t always somebody out there who we would love ‘more’ if ever given the chance of meeting each other? And isn’t it the beauty of love that it feels different for each and every one of us and with every partner that we’re with? It evolves, grows and changes, with us. That is what makes everybody’s love special.
When wondering what love is, the narrator repeatedly uses the word ‘you’. He/she realizes that love is not about yourself but about the person you are with. There is no ‘I’ in love. Love should always be about the other person. It should never be about what you think the other person may want or need but about truly listening to them, hearing them, seeing them for who they are.
Looking back at his/her previous relationships the narrator makes a conscious decision not to say ‘I love you’ to his/her current partner Louise until he/she can be sure that it is really love. However, the question remains if the narrator will successfully follow his/her ideals until the end of story. In the end, love, with all its emotions, usually gets the better of us.
I loved this quote from the first page because it is something I have never thought about before. When reading it, I noted in my reading journal that the term “I love you” it such a cliche and is so overused but we still want to be told. It’s validating. No matter its validity. This passage made me also think of the quote from the book, “Why is the measure of love loss?”. I think this ties in just because love is a very ambiguous, difficult, and fulfilling feeling but it can’t really be measured by anything but hurt.
You are very actuate that most people long to hear the words I love you and they use that as a devise to ensure that their relationship is solid. Then they end up breaking up and there is confusion about the love. I agree that the narrator thinks we should only say I love in the moments when we truly mean it and it consumes us not to. There is no ‘I’ in love and both parties should say what they feel is true and not just what the other person wants to hear, love is honesty and understanding.
I agree with your analysis of the passage you have selected, and want to add as to why we feel the need to say and hear the words “I love you.” We grow up hearing our parents and friends saying “I love you” to each other as if it is commanded. When you hang up the phone after a mundane conversation with a family member or significant other, chances are you’re going to make sure you say “I love you” before you hang up. This because society has impressed upon us that those three words mean everything. There is not a more sincere compliment than when someone says “I love you.” It is the ultimate goal. You do not just say “I love you” to a stranger, it takes time to grow close to that person to say those three simple words. And when you hear those words, it is as if you achieved the ultimate level of that relationship with the person. It is so weird to me that those three words mean the most to me when there are so many greater things that could be said about me.
These are both passages that I had underlined as well. It seems as though the ultimate goal of life these days is to find love, whether it be in the form of a significant other, a family member, a friend, or something that you are passionate about. I liked that you pointed out how it is possible to love more than one person, as I often wonder if it’s possible to fall in love with anyone if you spend enough time together and have enough in common. Love is relative. There are different kinds of love: familial, sexual, friendly, heterosexual, homosexual, etc. But all essentially mean the same thing, so why do they feel so different? We have been conditioned to desire to hear those words, but often times, we don’t know or care if it’s sincere or not. How can we know that our significant other truly loves us, in the same ways that we love them? We can’t. We assume that because someone says those three words, they mean them. And not only do they mean them, but they mean them in the same way that we ourselves mean them.
This was definitely one of my favorite quotes, especially because when the narrator says “Why is it that the most unoriginal thing we can say to each other is still the thing we long to hear?” it immediately makes you come to the realization how much we as people yearn to hear three of the most over used words ever. People go to great lengths and preform grand gestures just to say three simple words. People get so hung up on saying “I love you” that they don’t realize there are other ways to express love and it doesn’t always have to be with words.
This quote really stuck out to me, as it seems to have with almost everyone else. I think that it’s because it is really something we can all relate to, that longing to hear “I love you.” You had some really interesting analysis. In fact, I think that a lot of the points you posed as questions could have actually been phrased as definitive statements (it’s impossible to know what love truly is, there isn’t one true person for all of us, etc.) I think that you were getting at some interesting points and by phrasing them as questions, they lost some of their power. In addition, I loved the point you made about love being not yourself but about the other person. However, I think you could push that point even further. One could argue that love is actually about the “we” not the “you” and that this is where the narrator’s problems with love comes from; she focuses on the “you,” the person she is with, rather than the “we” and how they interact as a couple.