“Not a man and not ever able to be a woman, suspended nameless in the limbo state between existence and non-existence” (MooToo 77). In this sentence from Cereus Blooms at Night by Shani MooToo, Tyler is trying to explain how he feels about his struggles with his sexuality and society. Before this sentence Tyler is trying on the dress because he knows even though at first it felt peculiar that it is right but he knows that he will get harassed for his ideas of his own sexuality. There is a difference between “feeling weird” with others vs. himself. He feels as if he doesn’t exist because he can’t be himself but with Miss Ramchandin he feels a type of existence. This is shown by her acceptance towards Tyler when tries on the dress. She didn’t act like she had to compliment him or that she had to say it didn’t look right. As he had the dress on he was internally conflicted compared to being pressured by the outside because Miss Ramchandin was the outside and her reaction of Tyler in the dress was that it was nothing out of norm. The feeling that Tyler is expressing is internalized homophobia. He is letting the negative views society has on homosexuality make him feel like a less of a person or that he should hate himself for feeling the way he feels in the dress. External homophobia is the pressures that society put on homosexuals about the prejudice against them but internalized homophobia dwells deeper. It takes the ideas society puts on homophobia and makes a homosexual person feel like they shouldn’t express what they really feel is right inside because its not what society thinks is right and this is why Tyler says that he’ll not ever be able to be a woman. As long as Tyler lets the internalized homophobia overrule him he will consistently be in this state of existence and non-existence.
