I felt she had been watching me and seeing the same things everyone else saw. But she had stolen a dress for me. No one had ever done anything like that before. She knows what I am, she knows my nature. (76)
Without knowing why, he wanted to share his secret with Mala Ramchandin, even at the risk of being caught walking the streets dressed like a woman. (121)
Even before their shared storyline evolves, Tyler and Otoh share more than knowing Mala Ramchandin. Both of them have a secret when it comes to their identity and their sexuality; and both of them share their secret with Mala.
Tyler is caught in a state of limbo. He is aware that he is not like other men, yet he also knows that he is not a woman. He is constantly trying to figure out who he is, while at the same time desperately trying to hide his findings about himself from the rest of the world. He knows that people are talking about him, making assumptions about himself and, as he puts it, his perversion.
He is constantly trying to perform a gender role that he cannot truly identify with. However, he does not “pass”, as Kate Bornstein would put it, and people realize that something about him is different. This becomes particularly evident when looking at the use of the words ‘watching’, ‘seeing’, and ‘saw’ in the first sentence of the quote. Tyler feels that he is constantly under observation, and thus he lives in constant fear of being discovered, for people to “know [his] true nature”. The way the last sentence of his quote is written shows this fear: “She knows what I am, she knows my true nature”. The repetition of ‘she knows’ emphasizes that that she knows is more important to him than what she knows. At this point he can only assume what Mala thinks or knows, yet, he is already convinced that she knows what he is trying to hide. He does not even consider that the dress could have any other meaning. Furthermore, he is afraid of her discovering and judging his un-normalness. By saying ‘what I am’ instead of ‘who I am’ Tyler makes it clear that he himself thinks that he is abnormal and perverse, that his true nature is not human.
Yet, he is beginning to see that Mala might not be like other people. She has already done something that others never have, she has given him a dress to wear. She allows him to have something that does not match his gender performance, to break free from the prison he has put himself in. It is also important that she has actively acquired the dress; she had stolen it. This shows Tyler that Mala had actively done something in order to try to make him happy. Thus, “she knows what I am, she knows my true nature” can also be read as the relief Tyler feels knowing that he does not have to carry the burden of his secret by himself anymore.
Otoh on the other hand, performs his chosen gender role so well, that even his parents forgot that he was born a girl. While Tyler is constantly trying to perform the gender he was born with, Otoh needs to hide it. Yet, he chooses to show himself to Mala wearing a dress, although he has never actually met her before. Otoh seems to sense what Tyler is currently discovering – that Mala “was not one to manacle nature” (77). It seems that only with Mala both of them can be their entire self. Only with her they do not feel the need to conceal a part of who they are.
Why do you think it is that Tyler and Otoh both feel so free around Mala? Is it because she never talks about their gender identities but simply accepts them for who they are?
Your close reading of the verbs used in the passage that make Tyler feel as though he is constantly being watched is excellent.
I really liked the point you made about Tyler’s use of “what” rather than “who.” When reading this passage, I had passed right over that, so it’s clear you were reading very closely.
Like kbornstein, I’m interested to hear more about why you think they are so comfortable around Mala and not around others. What about Mala now, or what from Mala’s past, has made her such an accepting person?
I agree with what eclaire stated, and I wonder what possibly happened in her past, or what in life taught Mala to be an trusting soul, where most feel comfortable talking to her about their obstacles in life. The moment where Tyler puts on the dress is a big step for him, as he is trying to figure out his identity in a society where he isn’t sure how he would be accepted. I think it is an important thing in life to have someone in your corner, like Tyler has Mala. I think your close reading of this passage shows an incredibly deep understanding of the significance of this moment.
When you said, ” At this point he can only assume what Mala thinks or knows, yet, he is already convinced that she knows what he is trying to hide.” It made me immediately questions Tylers certainty. How exactly does he know Mala understands him? It also made me think of whether Tyler finds comfort in Mala’s silence.