“We are friends and I would miss you, do miss you and think of you very often. I don’t want to lose this happy space where I have found someone who is smart and easy and who doesn’t bother to check her diary when we arrange to meet” (pp 38).
In this passage the narrator is explaining their initial hesitation in acknowledging the feelings they have towards Louise. They seem to be negotiating with themself. They seem to be trying to navigate their intense feelings towards someone they initially considered a friend. They are trying to rationalize their feelings in a platonic context, which is a desperate attempt.
The desperation of this rationalization is shown in the structure and style of the passage. In the first sentence, the placement of the comma is not for the reader to pause, but for the reader to stumble. Pretend for a second that the first sentence is being read out loud. Taking into account the shift in tense as well, the narrator goes from trying to distance themselves from their feelings by using the future to quickly recovering and using the present. There is a depersonalization in “would miss you” as if the beloved, Louise would figure out the narrator’s feelings. After quickly recognizing that their feelings couldn’t necessarily be discerned from this statement, they change it to the past. This change is a quick stumble showing their desperation to ignore their feelings.
Their desperation continues in the second sentence. While the first sentence was quite short, the second sentence rambles on. It starts with the idea and fear of loss and continues forward, gathering speed and finally resting upon acknowledged adoration.
This passage is the breaking point where they realize that they are in love and want to pursue Louise. The slightly chaotic structure of these two sentences reflects the narrator’s apprehension towards their own feelings.