“I used to think that Christ was wrong, impossibly hard, when he said that to imagine committing adultery was just as bad as doing it” (38).
At this point in the novel, the narrator has just finished having a secret dinner with Louise. This passage belongs to an internal dialogue following the dinner in which the narrator explores their new-found love for Louise.
In this passage, the narrator references Jesus Christ’s judgments about committing adultery. By stating, “I used to think that Christ was wrong…” the narrator recognizes their prior ambivalence to Christ’s moral guidance. The use of the words, “impossibly hard,” further suggest that it would be practically impossible to commit adultery just by thinking. One would have to be impossibly consumed by lust for Christ’s words to have credibility. Yet, the use of the past tense suggest that they have now changed their mind and agree with what Christ warns. Throughout the novel, the narrator describes the multiple affairs they have had with married women. Yet, they have never arrived to the conclusion that thinking about an affair was just as bad as acting on it. This shows that the narrator’s feelings for Louise constitute something “different.” The narrator has reached the place where they feel so “impossibly hard” with love and lust for Louise that imagining committing adultery becomes just as bad as doing it.
The specific use of the words “committing adultery” reflect the terminology used in the Ten Commandments. Throughout the novel, the narrator seems to go against all of the socially constructed “rules” for relationships. Yet, in this passage they agree with one of the most steadfast rules of Christianity; “Thou shall not commit adultery.” Although the narrator disobeys the “rules” in some contexts, this passage reflects just how internalized sexual stigma can be (Warner 2-3).