Page 159: I had to leave. She would have died for my sake. Wasn’t it better for me to live a half life for her sake?
This passage’s words are of comparatively moderate importance to its tone: the agonized whimper of false justification. Even saying/writing this, our Narrator knows that it is wrong, and that s/he has made a terrible mistake. The evidence is in the syntax used:
“I had to X” is one of the most common justifications in the English language, and thus one of the ones that rings the most hollow. In truth, it is not used even as a justification, much less an explanation, but as a plea for understanding from an assumedly judgmental audience. A plea that is made only when the pleader has doubts about the correctness of their actions and feels the need for the agreement and support of others, which would be unnecessary if they truly believed they did the right thing.
In the second sentence, the use of “would have” is most revelatory. It expresses willingness in the past tense, implying that the Narrator knows s/he has crossed a line and no longer believes Louise still would do so. I also saw the implication that the Narrator does not consider him/herself to be worth dying for, because of what s/he has done.
Lastly, that the third sentence is a question is a huge point. Here the Narrator shows that s/he cannot even convince him/herself, and is no longer sure of the reasoning.
This passage struck me as important because it so perfectly illustrated what has become the Narrator’s primary flaw: martyrdom. S/he views this as sacrificing their relationship rather than throwing it away, and thus leaves Louise despite the pain so that she can have a better life. But the Narrator did nothing to actually ensure that Louise would get treatment, or even need the treatment. The moment s/he chose to trust Elgin over Louise was the moment their relationship was doomed.
So desperate to make the sacrifice for Louise, the Narrator denied Louise even the chance to do the same. S/he loved Louise too much to let Louise love him/her back, too much to let Louise lose anything (Why is the measure of love loss?), and that is the flaw that led the relationship to fail. That is what the passage above shows: the Narrator’s realization of his/her mistake.