I decided to try out the café, out of masochism, out of habit, out of hope. I thought it might comfort me, although I noticed how little comfort was to be got from familiar things. How dare they stay the same when so much had changed? Why does your sweater senselessly smell of you, keep your shape when you are not there to wear it? I don’t want to be reminded of you, I want you. I’ve been thinking of leaving London, going back to that ridiculous rented cottage for a while. Why not? Make a fresh start, isn’t that one of those useful clichés?(p. 180)
The narrator has returned to London and has been to see Louise’s mother and sister, hoping they would tell hum where Louise is, but hu is denied this information, and reminded of how very deeply hu hurt Louise. In desperation, the narrator goes to Elgin’s house and they get into a fistfight, and again hu does not find out where Louise is or what might have happened to her.
In this passage, Narrator has just left the cemetery and goes across the street to the café where hu and Louise used to meet. Perhaps she will be there, hu thinks, but of course, she isn’t. The reflection of how familiar things can be painful reminders of a love lost is an indication of the inner conflict going on in the narrator. Perhaps most of the pain springs from guilt. Guilt for being a coward, and not staying with Louise when she needed hum most, and ignoring her wishes, insisting that she will never return to Elgin, under any circumstances. But, here’s another thought; maybe hu should have asked what Elgin’s motivations for disclosing Louise’s illness were before hu just deserted the love of his life. What if Elgin really wanted to punish Louise in the only way he could, by insisting on painful, debilitating treatment when all the other doctors disagreed with that course of action? Or was Elgin perhaps aware of a character flaw in the narrator? Did Elgin anticipate an underlying fear of real commitment, and the failure of the narrator to carry though with the relationship when faced with such horrific news? Did Elgin somehow know that hu would cut and run, not out of self-sacrifice, but out of fear? The letters from other doctors said that she was asymptomatic and they didn’t recommend treatment yet, so why didn’t the narrator consider that Elgin’s desire to treat Louise might have been an unholy one.
I feel that the narrator has overly romanticized their relationship, (Why does your sweater senselessly smell of you) thinking that hu was doing the right thing by taking the decision away from Louise on how she wanted to proceed with her own life and death. The reality of how selfish and gutless the decision was to just leave is hitting hum hard, but not enough from keeping hum from considering it yet again. The absence of Louise has left a black hole in the narrator’s universe, and finally returning to try to reclaim what hu lost might have redeemed hum, were it not for hus gut instinct to flee. The tendency hu has of always considering a way out tells me that hu is a coward and incapable of carrying responsibility in a real relationship, with all it’s magnificence and distresses, demands and rewards.