“Dresses. Make-up. High heels. Perfume. I tried wearing the skirts
my mother sewed for me. She urged me into Girl Scouts, slumber
parties, the 4-H knitting and sewing clubs. I failed, not wanting
any part of these activities. I loved my work boots and overalls long
after all the other girls had discovered pantyhose and mini-skirts.
But failing left a hole in my heart; I wanted to belong somewhere.” (Clare 144).
In this paragraph, Eli Clare makes it clear how out of place he felt as a child, without the language to express his identity. As a teenager myself, I understand the desperate need to fit in. It can be scary to live in a world where you feel you do not fit, it can make you feel naked and exposed. As someone who endured abuse his entire life, it makes sense that Clare would want something to protect him, even if that means he would not get to be his true self. All of these activities are known to be feminine, and therefore Clare feels himself repelling away from them. He has an inclination from an early age that he is not feminine, but he does not yet have the vocabulary to express this. As he grows up, he will begin to realize his identity, but in the meantime he feels trapped. The listing of these activities gives the impression that he was faced with an onslaught of them in his childhood. He asserts that he knew that he loved dress that is considered more masculine, even when he was pushed by society to wear pantyhose and mini-skirts. It shows strength of character that Clare had the courage to question the norms that were forced on him.
It is saddening that he felt that by not going along with these norms he was failing, when he was really just trying to express himself. Many have likely felt like that, unable to truly be themselves for fear of not being accepted. Millions of adolescents have likely felt the same way, desperate for some semblance of belonging in a world that rejects their true selves. He was no doubt longing for the acceptance of his mother, who was emotionally absent from his life for so long. Even though she stood by while he was abused, he still wants to gain her affection just like any child would. This particular paragraph contributes to the entire essay by setting up how Clare felt about his gender expression at an early age. His need for belonging prevented him from originally finding his true identity, but the rest of the essay puts this in context. Finding belonging is a lifelong journey of Clare’s, and this paragraph helps to set up that journey.